A Dangerous Discovery
by Prone To Obsession
Summary: Red Dwarf/Doctor Who Crossover set during Season 2 of Red Dwarf and Season 1 of Doctor Who.  Features Nine, Rose, and Jack from DW and of course the whole Red Dwarf crew.  Hope you enjoy!
1. Lost Space

**Author's Note: I've done the Red Dwarf/Doctor Who crossover thing before, but this has no connection to that! This came about as a result of a comment made by Jack in Torchwood...but I don't want to say too much; don't want to give anything away too soon (although it'll become apparent, I think, as soon as you know what episode this is taking place during...). I've had this in the works for a while, but I wasn't sure about posting it; I'm worried it's just a long build-up to a lame punchline. But I figure, I'll let you, the reader, decide. :) Anyway, enjoy, read, and review!**

**Disclaimer: Anything you recognize does not belong to me; the characters, etc. belong to their respective shows and the shows belong to their respective creators, etc. etc.**

The TARDIS shook with a landing as Rose entered the control room. "There you are!" came Jack's voice. He and the Doctor were huddled around a monitor, checking signals. He motioned Rose to join them.

"Where are we?" she asked.

"Lost Space," came the Doctor's cryptic reply.

"Right...'course. Lost Space. Gonna tell me what that is?"

"It's a sort of quarantine zone. Full of some of the worst bits of technology mankind has ever come up with. Genetically Engineered killing machines, psychotic holograms, deranged androids—you name it. 'Round the turn of the 26th century, they sealed off a little used area of the galaxy and just...left them all to rot."

"Seems kinda irresponsible..." Rose mused.

"Seems kinda human," the Doctor shot back as he led his companions out the door.

"Anyway," Rose continued, looking around the bright spaceship corridor, "Why are we here?"

"The Doctor picked up on some kind of weird signal," Jack replied as he examined a nearby computer terminal, trying unsuccessfully to call up the mainframe.

"Trouble?" Rose lifted an eyebrow.

Jack grinned, turning to her, "Yeah, you'd better stick _real_ close to me." He took Rose's hand and spun her towards him.

"Not to interrupt," the Doctor said, in a tone that clearly said otherwise, "But something's wrong."

Jack and Rose separated, and Jack cleared his throat as he took another glance around the corridor. "22nd century? 23rd?" He guessed. "That's not too far from what you'd expect in the Lost Space."

"Oh, don't be thick. Listen!" the Doctor chastised.

Jack did as he was told. He heard a faint hum, vibrating through the cold steel floor. "Engines?"

"Engines!" the Doctor confirmed. "This is a 23rd century craft, yes. But by my watch, we're somewhere around the year 3 million. This ship should be dead and abandoned. So how come it's still running?"

"What kind of signal did you say you found?"

"Just a blip, really. Some kind of technology. Something that shouldn't exist. Wrong and powerful. Powerful enough to puncture a hole in the fabric of reality."

As the two men were talking, Rose wandered down the hallway a bit. Suddenly, she thought she heard muffled voices from behind a door. "Doctor!" she whispered, inching closer to the door, straining to hear what was going on.

"I come up to you and say, 'Excuse me, would you like to join me in a cocktail?'" came the first voice, continuing, "You say, 'Yes.' I say, 'Would you like a wormdo?' You say, 'What's a wormdo?' And I say..."

A second voice cut him off, "Oh, it wriggles along the ground like that." Rose laughed. Psychotic holograms, deranged androids, and some really bad chat-up lines. Just a few of the dangers of the Lost Space, she thought. She took another step towards the door and it slid open, revealing the people inside, who froze in shock the moment they saw her.

**Endnote: Hopefully that makes sense; this was just the setup for the story. It's hard to reconcile the fact that the Whoniverse is crawling with aliens, and Red Dwarf is noteworthy for being a sci-fi show devoid of aliens. So the Lost Space was my explanation. Let me know what you think!**


	2. Boys From The Dwarf

**Author's Note: Lots of dialogue here, hopefully I've balanced it out well enough...please review!**

**Disclaimer: Anything you recognize does not belong to me; the characters, etc. belong to their respective shows and the shows belong to their respective creators, etc. etc.**

Lister was the first to recover from the shock of seeing an actual, real live woman on board. A gorgeous woman, at that. A _blonde _woman. He shook his head slightly, and stood up. "Wh-who're you?" he asked.

"Oh, hello," she gave a small wave, embarrassed that she was caught eavesdropping. "'M Rose. Me and my friends were just sort of...passing through."

The Doctor and Jack had noticed the commotion and joined her in the room. She turned to introduce them. "This is the Doctor, and that's..."

"Captain Jack Harkness," Jack stuck out his hand. It was thoroughly ignored by Lister and Rimmer, who were still staring dumbfounded at Rose. "Or...not," he added quietly, taking a step back.

Rose cleared her throat, and Lister shook his head again. "Lister," he said. "Dave Lister. That's Rimmer."

"What's...what's with the H?" Rose asked hesitantly, gesturing to her own forehead and directing her question to Rimmer.

"I'm a Hologram," he explained.

"And I..." said Cat, suddenly gliding into the room on roller skates, "Am the most gorgeous creature alive, otherwise known as the Cat." He offered a small bouquet of flowers to Rose, who blushed as she took them.

"Hang on," the Doctor said suddenly. "Lister? Rimmer? And the Cat?" He looked around, as if seeing the three for the first time. "We're on Red Dwarf? Oh this is...this is fantastic!" He reached out and took Lister's hand, giving it a vigorous shake. "I've always wanted to meet you lot! Seriously! Fantastic. Fan-smegging-tastic."

"You know us? How do you know us?" Lister asked.

Before anyone could explain or ask any more questions, Holly's face appeared on the vid-screen. "Eureka," he said. "I've—who's that then?"

"Yes, Holly," Rimmer said, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at the computer, "Who are they? And more to the point, how did they get on board without you knowing?"

"Oi! Don't look at me like that. I've been busy. I've just finished inventing the ultimate in modern transport technology. I call it the Holly Hop Drive. It can transfer any object instantly to any other point in space."

The Doctor's grin vanished as he listened to the computer's speech. "Let me see," he said somberly.

"I'm sorry," Rimmer spoke up, "But can we take a minute for you to tell us who the smeg you are and how you got on board this ship?" He glanced at Rose and softened his tone a bit before adding, "As acting officer of this vessel, it's my...duty to investigate these sorts of things."

"Acting officer," Lister scoffed. "Smeg off, Rimmer. Come on," he added, turning to Rose, "I'll show you to the drive room." His face only fell a little when Rose took the Doctor's hand before following him out the door.

* * *

"Powerful?" Rose laughed as she looked towards the Doctor. "You said powerful technology."

"Is that it?" Jack asked. "That can't be it." They all stared at the red box, with "Holly Hop Drive" printed in large letters along one side.

"It's just a box with 'Start' and 'Stop' written on it!" cried Lister. He buried his face in his hands. The first people they see in almost two years and they must look like complete smeg-heads.

"It's fairly straightforward," came Holly's voice. "If you want to start it, you press Start. You can work out the rest of the controls for yourself."

"And you're saying this can get us back to Earth, like, right now?" Dave said, voice still muffled by his hands.

"Too right."

He said a silent prayer to, well, himself, since he was the god of the Catpeople and all. Then, hoping to sound slightly intelligent, or at least authoritative, he stood up straight and said, "Well, I think I've got these controls sorted. Let's try it out!" Without waiting for an answer, he pressed the large, green "Start" button. The Doctor barely had time to shout out "No!" before Lister pressed "Stop", and the whole ship shuddered to a stop.

"We've done it," Holly said. "We've reached Earth."

The Doctor looked around, sensing that something wasn't quite right. "You sure about that?"

"Half a mo'," Holly replied, and disappeared to check the window. He came back a second later. "It's gone. The Earth. It's disappeared. Wait a minute...sorry, I was looking out the wrong window."

The Doctor rolled his eyes and Jack stifled a laugh as Holly disappeared again and reappeared another moment later. "No," he said, "It has gone. The entire solar system is missing."

"Holly," Rimmer spoke up, "The thought occurs that we haven't actually reached Earth." He had asked Holly before they reached the drive room to give him his white admiral's uniform, trying to impress Rose. He continued, pacing the floor in what was trying and failing to be an official manner, "The further thought occurs that we haven't actually budged a smegging inch."

"Oh," sighed the Doctor, "I wish it were that simple. I really do. We have moved. We just haven't moved in space."

"What, have we moved in time?" Jack asked.

"No. We've traveled between universes. I said that thing could puncture a hold in the fabric of reality? Well, we've fallen through the hole. We are in a parallel universe."

"More than that," Holly added, "There appears to be another Red Dwarf out there."

"You mean, a parallel ship, with parallel people on board?" Lister asked, which Holly affirmed.

"Well," Jack concluded, clapping his hands together, "Let's go meet the neighbors!"


	3. May I Introduce You To You?

**Author's Note: Ack, long time coming, but here's the next chapter. Please review!**

**Disclaimer: Anything you recognize does not belong to me; the characters, etc. belong to their respective shows and the shows belong to their respective creators, etc. etc.**

As the Red Dwarf & TARDIS crews stepped onto the parallel ship, the Cat sniffed. "There's a very funny smell around here that I don't like one bit," and with that he ran off to 'get rid of it'. As he did, the drive room door opened, and everyone, even the Doctor (or, as it was, Doctors—plural) was surprised at what they found.

"Oh great, and they've got stowaways as well!" said a woman who looked strangely like a female version of Rimmer, down to the matching 'H' showing her to be a hologram.

"Hi," said Lister as he stepped up to the woman who was his clear doppleganger, clad in a similar leather jacket and London Jets shirt. "Hi," she replied. The group took turns introducing themselves.

"Dave."

"Deb."

"Arnold."

"Arlene."

"Rose."

"Rowan," said a young man with messy, bleached hair and big, brown eyes. He shared Rose's large, genuine smile as he shook her hand.

Jack stepped forwards next, his mind clearly bursting with possibilities. "Captain Jack Harkness," he said, extending his hand to a woman with long, wavy brown hair and 51st century pheremones that matched his own.

"Captain Jaclyn Harkness. Pleasure to meet you."

"Don't!" came two voices at once. The Doctor (male and female) both rebuked Jack and Jaclyn at the same time. As the two Captains ducked their heads, everyone looked at the two Time Lords as if waiting for them to finish up the introductions.

"Oh, right. Um...I'm the Doctor."

"And me."

"Oh so glad that's cleared up," Rose added sarcastically.

* * *

"So, you come from a female-orientated society?" Dave was sitting in the captains chair in the drive room, with his feet up on the console.

"Well, it's not exactly female-orientated anymore, not since the sixties. You know, the equal-rights-for-men marches. You know, they burned their jockstraps and all that," answered Deb, leaning carelessly against the navigation panel.

"This is completely impossible..." Rose muttered.

"Improbable, yes. But in an infinite number of universes, anything's possible." The female Doctor corrected. "Even, apparently, a male-oriented universe," she added, sizing up the male Doctor with an incredulous shake of the head. The Time Lady was a tall woman with short, dark hair in a pixie cut. She wore a leather jacket that matched Rose's Doctor's. Her ears stuck out just like the Doctor's too, Rose noted with a smile. The Time Lady was leaning on a wall opposite from the male Doctor with her arms across her chest. Both Lord and Lady were obviously getting irritated at all the human yapping going on. They just wanted to get things sorted out.

The computers, Holly and Hilly, as it happened, were no help. They had taken a fancy to one another straight away and had deadlocked the mainframe so they could have a little 'alone time'. Whoever thought to give hologramatic computers an artificial personality, the Doctor thought, deserved a medal. He was thinking gold, with "Stupid Ape" embossed across the front. At any rate, it meant that he and his doppleganger Time Lady were stuck walking the humans through the situation.

"So, hang on," continued Dave, "Erm...who was the first person on the moon?"

"Nellie Armstrong." Deb replied.

"Who led Germany in the 2nd World War?" Jack asked.

"Adalia Hitler."

"The Beatles?" Rose piped up. "Georgia, Paula, Joanna, and...Ringo."

"This is too weird. I need a drink," Dave decided.

"Good, yes," the Doctor said, clapping Dave on the shoulder. "Fantastic idea. You go drink. I'm going to confer with, erm, the Doctor here, and we'll get everything sorted." He turned to the Time Lady, "If you'll show me to your TARDIS, that is."

"Of course," she replied, leading the way.

Rose looked to Jack to see what he was going to do, but he was already leading Jaclyn to the disco with Dave, Deb, Arnold, and Arlene. Rose looked toward Rowan, who shrugged and headed out with the rest. Rose hesitated a moment, then followed the Doctors. She couldn't resist seeing the inside of a parallel TARDIS.


	4. A Night At The Disco

**Author's Note: Well, if anyone's still following this story (sorry it lay forgotten for a while), here's the next part. Probably one, maybe two chapters left after this. As always, reviews are greatly loved!**

Rose paced slowly around the TARDIS (the female Doctor had called it "he", Rose noted with a smile), taking it all in. But, since the new TARDIS was identical in every way to her own, she soon found herself bored.

"Can't the TARDIS just take us back to our own universe?" she asked. Her Doctor straightened up from where he was studying a monitor, and looked towards where she stood.

"The TARDIS gets its energy from the universe," he explained. "_This_ TARDIS runs on the power from _this_ universe. We can't take it into ours."

Rose nodded. "So...how do we get back?"

"Not to be rude or anything," said the female Doctor, "But that's sort of what we were working on before you interrupted."

Rose rolled her eyes. "Right, fine," she said, "Sorry. I'll get out of your way." She thought one Time Lord was big-headed. Two together were threatening to be unbearable.

"Could you go and tell the others," her Doctor added, "That it's going to take about 10 hours to get the Holly Hop drive functional again."

Rose frowned as she left the Doctors. What on earth were they going to do for the next 10 hours?

* * *

"Who..._what_ is that?" Rose asked as she entered the ship's disco. She was speaking to Rowan, but gesturing towards the sort of humanoid creature standing with the Cat, engaging in something that was almost but not quite entirely unlike dancing.

"Oh," Rowan said with a laugh. "That's the Dog, apparently."

"His double isn't a girl?"

"Guess not."

Rose giggled as she watched the Cat and Dog continue to bicker, then she turned her attention to the rest of the room. Dave was heading towards them. "Hi, Rose," he said sheepishly, "I'm going to the bar, can I get you a drink?"

She shook her head, "Thanks though." Rowan joined Dave as he headed to fill his drink, passing by Arnold and Arlene as they went. Arlene was attempting to lick Arnold's brain, judging by how far her tongue was stuck his ear. He did not seem to be enjoying it, and shoved her off, taking the opportunity to rush up to the two boys at the bar. Arlene left and approached Deb, and Rose joined the two women at a nearby table.

"How are you getting on?" Deb asked Arlene as she sat down.

"Well, put it his way," she replied. "There'll be two pairs of shoes under the bed tonight."

Rose's eyes widened as Arlene talked about Arnold like he was a piece of meat. Sexual attitudes must be different in this universe, too, she thought. She had dated plenty of guys who thought just that way about women.

"He's not interested," Deb told Arlene, and Rose agreed.

"Maybe not now, but wait until I hit him with the wormdo line," Arlene combated, and Rose had to get up before she started laughing, realizing that Arlene really was _exactly_ the same as Arnold.

She joined Dave, Arnold, and Rowan at the bar, instead. "How long have we got to stay here?" Rimmer was complaining. He kept throwing nervous glances towards Arlene.

"Oh," Rose said, remembering her task. "10 hours before we can get back, the Doctors said."

"Great," Rimmer groaned. "Listen," he turned to Dave. "I'm going to bed now, by myself, on my own, alone. If she comes back, tell her I've got a headache or something."

"Where are you going to sleep?"

"I can't tell you, it's too risky."

Rose smiled. "It must be hell," she said, her voice betraying her amusement, "Having someone treat you like an object like that."

"You have no idea," Rimmer said, obliviously, before making his getaway.

* * *

"Where's Jack?" Rose wondered as she headed to bed an hour or so later. She had been so amused by the antics of the Red Dwarf crew that she had barely noticed his absence. Deb had been trying unsuccessfully to woo Rowan, Cat and Dog had gotten in some kind of territorial fight and stalked off to mark their territory—which Rose was trying not to think about—and Dave had gotten so drunk, he was currently asleep in the middle of the disco dance floor. But now, in the quiet, she realized that both Jack and Jaclyn had been mysteriously absent all night. She yawned, realizing how tired she was, and all thoughts were pushed aside as she crawled into a bunk in an unused bedroom, falling asleep almost instantly.


	5. I Hope You Get Pregnant

**Author's Note: One more part after this...**

"In my bunk! On my sheets, using my springs!"

Rose woke to the sound of Arlene's high-pitched voice shouting from across the hall. She staggered out of her bunk to go see what was happening.

"Oh my god!" breathed as she saw who Arlene was yelling at.

"To be fair," Jack was saying with a grin, "We really didn't _know_ it was your bunk."

"It was just convenient," Jaclyn added with a matching smile.

"Hey Rosie," Jack added, noticing Rose's entrance. "You don't happen to know where my pants are, do you?"

Rose looked down with a blush, shaking her head. Jack and Jaclyn were lying, head to toe, in the bottom bunk (Arlene's bunk, apparently), with a thin blanket tossed over them. Both were leaning up on their elbows and looking not the least bit embarrassed at being caught in bed together.

"You pieces of filth," added Arnold, shaking his head. The entire crews of both Red Dwarfs were crammed into the tiny room, plus Rose and Rowan (who was just as speechless as Rose was).

"Hey mate," Dave said, throwing his hands up and shaking his head, "I'm not one to judge, but...still. How could you..." he shook his head. "With yourself? Too weird for me."

Jack shrugged. "I'm a man of fine taste," he said with a laugh. He and Jaclyn scrambled out of the bunk, both barely clothed. Rose handed Jack his pants, which she had found thrown over a fish tank, and Rowan threw Jaclyn her blouse, which had been left on the floor by the door.

"I hope you get pregnant," Arlene muttered as everyone filed out of the room, letting the two arrange themselves.

* * *

A few minutes later, once Jack and Jaclyn joined the group, now including the two Doctors, in the drive room, Arlene repeated herself. "I hope you get pregnant," she said, looking at Jack, adding, "You cheap little tot!"

Rose furrowed her eyebrows. "What, him? How could _he_ get pregnant?"

"Well," Arlene said, "If they didn't use precautions, he could be up the spout."

Rose put a hand over her mouth as Jack's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "What?" Jack yelped. "That's not possible!"

The Doctor let out a loud laugh. "Oh Captain Harkness," he said, clapping a hand on Jack's shoulder, "Oh, Captain my Captain. Jackie Boy." He grinned. "I should have seen this one coming, really. Parallel world, right? Gender roles switched. It only makes sense that in this universe, it's the men who give birth."

"No, no no," Jack said, waving his arms forcefully and pacing about the room.

"Don't get emotional," Arnold chastised with a smile, "Not in your condition!"

"It's not possible," Jack repeated. "I don't...I can't. I don't have the right...parts. It doesn't work that way."

"You're in our universe," the female Doctor chimed in. "Our physical laws apply. It's absolutely posible"

Jack looked at Rose for help, but she just shook her head. "You should have been more careful...mum," she said, her tongue sticking out between her teeth as she grinned at him.

"It's only a possibility," Jaclyn said, trying to diffuse the situation before anyone could think to blame her. "And a small one, at that. No point getting all upset about it now, not until you can find out for sure."

"Let's just get back to our own universe," Jack said with a decisive nod of his head. "We'll figure this all out there."

The Doctors agreed; there was no point in them staying in the wrong universe. After quick and rather awkward goodbyes, Rose, Jack, the Doctor, and the Red Dwarf boys were back on the proper ship, and the Doctor activated the Holly Hop drive. After a few seconds of commotion, they were back in their own proper universe.

* * *

"So that's it," Lister said, standing outside the TARDIS. The Doctor, Jack, and Rose were just about to leave. "You're just going to go swanning off, and leave me here with them?" He jerked his head back towards Rimmer and the Cat.

"We've got to," Rose said. She nodded at Jack, "Got to look after the knocked up git over there."

"I'm not knocked up!" Jack protested, his face still betraying his own worry.

"But that ship of yours could take us home," Lister said, looking at the Doctor. "Back to Earth."

The Doctor shook his head, "I wish I could. But, you guys have so much left to do. You've got all sorts of people to meet and adventures to have. I can't change your time lines by taking you away now."

"But we will get back to Earth eventually, right?" Lister asked hopefully.

The Doctor hesitated, not wanting to give too much away, but then nodded. "Just don't tell anyone I told you, eh?"

Rose gave Lister and the Cat giant hugs, and saluted Rimmer the way he had taught her to, her arm flailing about ridiculously before coming to rest at her forehead. He mimicked her, and then she disappeared inside the TARDIS with the Doctor and Jack. She thought she might actually miss the boys from the Dwarf, and their really bad chat-up lines. But before she could dwell too much on it, she was interrupted by the Doctor.

"I suppose we'll need to go to a drug store," the Doctor said, setting the TARDIS spinning into the vortex, "The TARDIS doesn't usually keep pregnancy tests in stock."


End file.
